Name: Noah Centineo.
Appearance: The internet’s new boyfriend.
Hang on, I thought Tom Hiddleston was the internet’s boyfriend. No, the internet ghosted him when he started acting all weird around Taylor Swift, remember?
Right, but what about Jeff Goldblum? Jeff Goldblum was never the internet’s boyfriend. He was the internet’s weird crush on the internet’s dad’s cool friend. It was a phase. We’ve all been there.
Oh, OK. So who’s Noah Centineo? He’s a beautiful young actor who is suddenly everywhere. He’s in the Netflix romcom To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before and the Netflix teen comedy Sierra Burgess Is a Loser. He stars in the Freeform series The Fosters. He also played Camila Cabello’s love interest in last year’s Havana music video and stars in T@gged.
Sorry, what? T@gged. You know, T@gged. It’s on Hulu.
Are any of these words actually things? God, you’re so old.
Wait, wasn’t Timothee Chalamet supposed to be the internet’s boyfriend? Listen, the internet is fickle. Besides, Chalamet is destined to outgrow us. He’s in Guadagnino movies. He’s in Gerwig movies. He’s in Van Groeningen movies. Soon he’ll leave us all for the world of acclaimed independent cinema.
I don’t see Centineo’s appeal. Oh, nonsense. Just look at him. He’s like a puppy dog, if puppy dogs had excellent teeth and soulful brown eyes you could absolutely drown in. He’s also got a great sense of humour.
Based on what? Based on a photo I just found of him rubbing his eyes and smiling. He’s hilarious! He’s totes ur fave.
I like that his surname sounds like an off-brand 1990s personal computer. Hey, stop trying to diminish his accomplishments. It takes real talent to breathe life into genre pictures, and To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before is arguably one of the best, most inventive, most progressive romcoms of the past decade. A lot of that is down to Centineo’s performance.
Look, he’s young, rich and handsome. Aren’t I allowed to hate him a little bit? Oh, of course. He doesn’t know how to wear clothes properly. That’s something.
Pardon? Last week, French Netflix pointed out that, in a number of recent photoshoots, Centineo neglected to put his arms through the sleeves of his tops. He got his head in, then just let them sort of dangle there like scarves. It’s weird.
The boy’s an idiot. Well, yes, but he’s the internet’s idiot.
Do say: “Noah Centineo is the new Timothee Chalamet.”
Don’t say: “Look out for the new Noah Centineo, coming some time next week.”